Coaching Your Own Child
Question: I have a
stepson who is 13 and I coach his team. I feel that he is not giving me the
respect of a head coach and he is not trying as hard as the other kids on the
team. So my question is: How can I get him to try harder in practice and in the
games? Also how can I get him to show me the respect as a regular head coach?
Question: I have two sons, 9 and 11. Both are active in sports and
play well. My older son is somewhat on the small side; the 9-year old is big (he
outweighs his older brother). Next year I will have the opportunity to have them
play on the same baseball team - the first time this has happened. I am
concerned that the younger brother may perform close to the level of his older
brother, or better, and the effect this will have on my 11-year old. I can have
them play on different teams. Your thoughts? (Ed. note: I couldn't tell whether
this parent was actually coaching the children or not.)
Question: My son (11) has a coach that is always insulting the players
on the team, such as selecting his son and two players on the team that never
played before and telling the rest of the team they are the best players and the
rest of the team can go jump in the lake. How does a parent approach this?
While each of the questions is about a different specific problem, they have
the common thread of coach-player relationship. In an ideal world all youth
sport coaches would make sure that all members of their teams got to play about
the same amount of time.
Fortunately, most coaches come close to accomplishing this goal.
Unfortunately, some coaches "play favorites." That is, they play certain
children most of the time and give other team members only occasional playing
time. If one of the coach's "favorites" is a son or daughter, the problem is
even more noticeable, particularly if the coach's child is not a skilled
athlete.
Coaching your own child has the potential for creating an awkward situation.
You may feel pressured by your child or spouse (if married) to play the child
more than their fair share. After all, you are the coach, giving of your time,
and so your child should benefit, right? Or, sometimes, in an effort to be fair
to all the members of the team, you put extra pressure on your child to perform
so no one can accuse you of favoring your own child.
How can you reduce or prevent problems when coaching your own child? Before
you start coaching you must ask yourself: Can I treat my own child the same as I
intend to treat all the other members of the team? Will you expect no more or no
less from your own child?
You must also discuss the decision with your child. Your child must agree to
these same expectations/conditions. They must understand that on the field, at
the pool, or whatever, you are the coach and they are just another member of the
team. They should not expect to be treated differently than any other member of
the team, nor should they treat you differently as their coach.
If you and your child can abide by these conditions, then go ahead and be the
coach. If there is any doubt in your mind or the child's mind, then you probably
shouldn't. There is an alternative if you are not absolutely sure. Volunteer as
an assistant coach first, sort of as a test, and see how that works out. Then go
from there.
Regarding siblings playing on the same team, I think only the parents know
their children well enough to make this decision. Ask the children how they feel
about it. Would they prefer to play together or on different teams? Because
either option may produce some type of conflict, the best answer is specific to
your family.
Do any of these questions sound familiar? Most volunteer youth sport
coaches are coaching a team because their children are participating on that
team. This, of course, creates the potential for the kinds of problems addressed
in the three questions above.
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